25
So let's get serious for a moment.
I turned 25. It doesn't seem like it happened, but deep down in the bottom of my stomach I can feel that it did. I'm not sure if it works this way for everyone, but 25 seems to be self review. Not obsessive, but reflective and perhaps something comes out of it.
I feel old. Too old for 25. The logic says I've got plenty of time, the heart says please stay here for awhile. I think this comes from an overwhelming catch-up process that's been flowing through my mind since my teenage years and a desire that comes out of that to conquer the world. In the last few months, I've made more exciting plans for my life than I have in the rest of my entire life. I'm not ready to publicly divulge them yet, but let's leave that if I was mentally where I am now 6 years ago ... that'd be interesting. Exploration. The new. The seemingly impossible. Its going to be fun.
There's emptiness. Not empty ... but emptiness. (please no email from religious peoples about this, if you think you know, you're missing the point.) It comes from a longing to do so many things and a fear there might not be enough time to do them all. Of course, when I look back at the last 5 years I start to feel the silliness of it, if I could just stay at pace I'll be ahead ... but what if, eh? It consumes me, and I don't know of any other way out of it except to conquer it all. I have to do it, and it excites me.
The weight of responsibility & big dreams probably occupies my mind a bit too much these days and I believe I may have found the answer: "One step at a time." Of course, I need now to convince myself that they'll be enough time for those steps. I'm running faster than I ever have before, but maybe pacing myself is a life lesson I have yet to pick up on. Its just the "what if" right? "What if I don't get there?" One step at a time Josh.
A blinking cursor begs me to get creative with the impact my wife has had on my life. But however thankful I am for words, sometimes my brain just can't paint them in a deserving manner. She's everything about love. Life without her? Probably not life. Maybe that's extreme ... but then maybe I don't give a fuck what people think, because its how she makes me feel that blows my mind ... and now that I've had it, anything else is tasteless. Loving her is my greatest honor.
Kids at 25. 2 of them! Most find it crazy and give me astonished expressions. Maybe I am crazy, but it feels right. Everything becomes just a little more important. I'm not sure I fully trust myself as a father yet, but maybe that never comes. And maybe that's good.
So what now? Besides the one step at a time plan™, I need to kiss more, pray more, take more photographs, drink more, write more and interact more. I'm on it.
Most of all, thank you. besides the extremely short list of douche bags who I notice go out of their way to power up, you've all been wonderful. I love you and am grateful I get to be a part of this circle. If you're looking for comfortablitiy with me, you might have to wait some years, I'm not there yet. But if you're looking for adventure ... or at the very least if your okay with it ... buckle up. Now on to that quarter life crisis.